Last time. Last day of School.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my life. Not really my present life, but I was trying to remember as much as I possibly could about my life- my memories, my friends, my stories. yesterday was my last day of school. i was telling elizabeth that i felt surprisingly empty. it could be the fact that the thing i have been working towards is now over, and I dont really have much left in the plan for my life. Growing up, college was always there in the back of my mind- i knew it was something i was going to do, but i never looked forward to anything past that. now i am there, with no expectations or dreams. maybe that is why i feel blah.

College. ive been trying to remember what i was like before i came to college. In some ways i have not changed a bit ( still super competitve, semi-lazy) but in other ways I am a different person. Its strange how slowing a person changes...you dont really realize when you are...but afterwards you look back and think- who was i back then? Now more than ever I feel comfortable with who i am. if someone is annoyed by me, it doesnt really bother me, i just move on. im still terrible at sharing my real feelings- about anything- but at least i realize it now and it is something i can work on.

My expectations of college were simple. I was going to move into a dorm, make tons of great friends. study all the time. have really hard classes. go on dates semi-regularly. meet a boy who liked me and i liked him. have a job handed to me cause im just so great. know everyone in my classes. talk to my profs all the time. never be bored. be the most godly person ever. never be tempted to go crazy.

obviously, i was basically wrong about everything, but surprisingly im not disappointed. God has taught me more through this time than i ever thought possible. mostly- that i am not self-sufficient, that im not immune to being a human. i still have so far to go, but i am learning to trust him with everything.

Back to laying in bed remembering my life- here is the rambling journey my mind took, ill spare you by ending in middle school:
I think my first memory is being at ski school when i would have been three. i hated it and they tried to feed me hot dogs, which i hated, and i remember the view from where i was sitting to the door where my mom was standing to come pick me up. then i remember sitting on my mom's hospital bed when pete was born. they gave me a doll. her name was annie and she wore a pink jumper. i remember preschool in mrs woods class. one day i was on the see-saw and the other girl (my best friend) jumped off and i remember blacking out and being confused the rest of the day. then we went skiing and my dad yelled at me for running over a snowboarder and he made me hike back up the hill to apologize. i remember getting penny and how little she was. playing the backyard for hours on the rope swing where i would jump off the fort and do tricks- pretending like i was in the olympics. first grade- my best friend was taylor forti and i spent the whole year confused on how to say juliens last name. getting "l" and "r" stamps on my hand to learn left and right. second grade, jason came to our class on my birthday and he told me not to pop my knuckles. third grade- coming back from pe and seeing a paper on my desk with a "70". i was devastated. listening to the radio as o.j. was declared innocent and mrs. willingham was mad. i dont know when this happened, but the morning we found out dr. britton died. my parents cried. it was terrible. going to the funeral for the boys and they still had not found the middle one. going to europe with my family in sixth grade. the first sunday back in church, we were sitting on the third row on the left side. i remember my dress. they announced to everyone that heathers family was moving. i had no idea. i was crushed. playing sports. scoring goals in soccer. good times. playing nitendo at gails house.

random i know.....sorry im just really bored at work.

Edward Cullen

So the Coldplay concert was amazing. Thanks again! When we all have jobs (aka money) we have to go to a concert together. you would all love it. Update time....drum role...

Books: I read harry potter last week and it was amazing. it made me feel like a kid again.

Job: I got a job offer in Houston with a pipeline company a few weeks ago, and i was about to accept when i got a call from a company in Dallas. Now i am trying to decide between the two. It feels strange to have options :) God is so good.

Thanksgiving: I cant wait to go home!! I might not be home until wednesday now because i might need to go stay in dallas to visit the company...but we shall see.

Graduation: I graduate in 3 weeks. i cant believe how fast college has gone by. its so weird to look back and remember all the different years and everything God has taught me- i tend not to realize how much i learn until im way past that time. but its cool to see how He works in all situations, whether its the people i meet or the places i go. i know i just need to remember this when making a decision about where to work.

hmm...i literally have nothing else to say. sorry this was a boring post.

ps. im forming an anti-edward club if anyone wants to join. i am going to create badges and tshirts, but not wear them, just have them.

Live your life...eh eh, eh eh, eh eh......

What an insane month. good grief. so i had this 85-page paper to write...a bijillion interviews...projects...presentations...a birthday...man im tired. i really enjoyed my update formula...therefore i am sticking to it from here on, but of course there will be different categories just to keep thing interesting:

Birthday: I get to go see Coldplay!!! Thank you girls so much! Being 22 is less painful than I imagined.

School: All i have left in my college career is one project and two tests. its awesome.

Job: Absolutely nothing. Ill probably be living on a couch somewhere, but not at home cause my parents said i cant move home. there are a lot of really cool homeless places around, so i might be checking those out. ill probably have to cancel my phone, so you can reach me by carrier pigeon.

Football: all my teams suck. yes. i admit it. and i really have lost interest in sports. i probably only check espn.com every other day now vs. every other hour in the past.

Life: For one of the first times ever last weekend, i really felt an utter weakness. I was totally overwelmed with everything that i had to do, basically had a breakdown, which no one really knows cause no one was there. but it was weird cause it was almost wonderful. i felt really alive by my weakness...vulnerable i guess. idk, im not really vulnerable that often so it was new. but i survived and God helped me focus and now i free from school and the library.

Books: I am currently reading harry potter again. so prepare for harry comparisons to begin again since i will be living in hogwarts world.

Needed: i would like suggestions on what i should do after i graduate if i do not have a job (ie. where i should move, what i should do) not to be too picky with the suggestions, but i would welcome anything abnormal (moving to dallas is a good, plausible suggestion, but you know....kinda boring)

Boys: I was recently proposed to by not one, but two, strapping young gentlmen. one works at sams, pushing carts, the other works in the herbology department...mostly pulling weeds in the garden. i dont really know which one to pick. both are similarly ugly and both have young children with their previous lovers. i am thinking probably the one from the garden cause maybe we can eat some of the stuff from the garden...since we will be fairly poor.

Things i hate:
1. max...the freaking dog from hell. he ate cally's computer charger...im sure i am next...not my charger...ME.
2. people all of a sudden complaining about obama all the time when really they should have been complaining about him BEFORE the election took place.
3. companies making me come to interviews and then telling me that they are not hiring december grads....COOL
4. my alarm
5. driving long distances. like over 2 miles.
6. being so tired that i cant sleep.
7. hearing drunken stories from the same person everyday.
8. ummm i think thats all besides tech, but thats a given. tech and satan.

toodles.

Whoop for a new post.

For those of you who dont agree with whooping then you can just. stop. reading. now.

I really dont have that much to say. nothing really that interesting has happened to me.

Today i snuck a pizza into the library. it was exhilarating.

Updates------
Job update: no job.

Boy update: no boy.

Car update: it works.

Football update: ags will lose.

Stock update: bad.

Class update: busy.

Project update: tons to do.

Food update: out of oatmeal.

Birthday update: no plans. probably going on a retreat

Animal update: bought a snake.

Sport update: taking up rock climbing.

Reading update: I hate twilight.

Movie update: Havent been

The end.

Miracles

Last Saturday during the football game, my dad began texting me as usual. We were both not looking forward to the inevitable loss...yada yada yada. I knew he was at a men's retreat for church and began wondering why he had all this time to 1) know what was going on in the game and 2) have time to text me. He told me that the retreat had stalled because they had to take our pastor to the ER cause he had passed out. Obviously at this point, my dad didnt seem too concerned.

However, by the end of the game, he told me that the outlook was pretty bad and to be praying...for what we still didnt know. In between me leaving the game and getting to McAlisters ( for the inevitable eat because we lost meal) we found out that the doctors in Amarillo couldnt help him and they were putting him on an medical jet to houston. The doctors in Amarillo had initially thought it was a heart attack so had correctly given him a ton of blood thinners...however, they quickly saw that it was an aortic aneurysm and that somehow the inside walls of the aorta were ripping from the outside walls.

So, long story short, i drove to houston saturday night knowing that Bobby was about to have extensive surgery...25% fatality rate (bypasses are <1%) . I got there earlier than the plane arrived. His 80-year-old parents were in the waiting room (all of the family is basically from houston) and they are the most precious people. Somehow i knew even more than them (maybe they had forgotten) but I waited with them for the plane to arrive. It finally did and we went down to meet them. I had no idea what to expect but before we got there, a bed came around the corner with bobby on it and 1)he was awake 2) he recognized me 3) but he was clearly delirious. That was the last i saw of him. His mom started chasing after him saying "bobby, bobby, are you alright?" but the nurses quickly stopped her and they disappeared around the corner. We went and found bobby's wife (Marty-my mentor from home, youve probably heard me talk about her) and the waiting game began.

A bunch of their family began to trickle in and thankfully we were the only ones there. ( it was 1130 by this time). Oh yeah, and the reason they came to Houston was that there were only 3 drs in the state who could do the surgery...all in Houston...all at this hospital. A week before (Ike) there would have been no where for him to go. Marty and her daughters( they flew in from LAX on the last flight) go to spend some time with him before surgery. But the drs got him in as quickly as they could. At 4, they came and told us they had made the first incision. It would be a 6 hr surgery. We slept maybe an hour. The nurses kept coming and giving us updates. No real bad news, except the blood wouldnt clot because of the previous blood thinners. But the doctors already knew this would happen.

Finally they came and told us he was done. About 10 am. We were exhausted and delirous and couldnt imagine how the drs had lasted so long. Everything went well the nurse said, and the doctor would come see us soon.

Talk about the most brilliant man in the world. The dr. came in a few minutes later. He was probably 35. From Canada, school at Stanford. He proceeded to describe everything that he had done. I wont bore you with the details except 1) it was a grey's anatomy surgery where they cool the body down and stop his heart and somehow do a bypass so his brain is still getting blood 2) it is the dr's favorite surgery and 3) so far so good.

(Brief pause to describe this dr. Ok i admit, i was in love. Not because of looks or anything, but when he opened his mouth and talked it was like listening to ocean waves or hypnotic drumming in the amazon rainforest, or whatever puts you to sleep. I dont know why, but this guy was obviously brilliant and he could explain so well, and he was confident but not cocky, and compassionate. ok so i wont go on, but clearly i was blown away. Ive just never been around a real live person like that.)

A few hours later they let us go see Bobby two at a time. i let every else go first cause i was really there for the family, and they were all family. But somehow time didnt run out and i was able to go back there with marty. He was asleep with a ventilator. And he looked terrible. tubes everywhere. I knew it would be like that, but knowing and seeing are so different. i just started crying. And you know i dont cry.

We finally got to go sleep a little, and the nurses kept reporting that he was on schedule and doing as well as could be expected. I went home Sunday night after everyone had seen him again and there was still no bad news. And today being Friday, they are thinking he might be released from the hospital tomorrow. Which is way ahead of schedule. basically nothing ever went remotely wrong. what a miricle. here are a few more, just as a reminder of what our awesome God can do. some i already mentioned:

1. If this would have happened a week earlier, he could not have been flown to Houston
2. If he would not have drank coffee that morning, his blood pressure would not have increased and he would not have felt any signs
3. His daughters were both 10 min from LAX when they found out and were able to get to houston to see him before the surgery.
4. I never passed out with all the talk of blood.
5. I made it back to college station with 3 hours of sleep. barely. i began to have conversations with my imaginary friend.

Sorry for the length...and the boring details. I wanted to remember and I hate writing, so this serves a double purpose as my diary and to encourage all of you in the sovreignty and power of God.

Ballerinas and Flowers

Gracefullness is key to life.  It provides beauty where it might not normally reside.  And im sure all of us would agree that ballerinas are the most graceful of all. And since they are the most graceful then they are the most beautiful. And this is why tony romo should be a ballerina. the end. 

ok thats all im going to say about the cowboys.

the cowboys are going to win the superbowl!!

ok now im done.

So...im pretty sure that in a few years i will look back at my life and realize that i learned a lot in these months of uncertainty.  I know my life is meant solely for God's glory and its so comforting that he knows where i will end up :)  ugh, i get so frustrated with myself because i feel so self-consumed.  really there are things in this world that are terrible, and people are suffering, and all i seem to think about are my little problems that really dont matter in the end.  I just wish it was easier to be in this world but not of it :). but thats what we are working on...and thats what life is, because this is how we bring glory to God.  Therefore, i can rest in the fact that he has a plan and if i seek it, i will find it. yay for flowers! yay for all of the beautiful things God created! 

First of the Last

Im in a fog because of my cold...so please forgive the ramblings that are about to occur.

a) How in the world did i get to this point in my life? How am I almost 21 years old? How am I able to function? Do you ever just wake up one day and suddenly feel totally unaccomplished and unprepared for no particular reason? Not that I typically walk around thinking the opposite, but today i just feel blah. I wish I had a better memory of events in my life. I am jealous of shayla and keelie who can just pull out funny things that happened way back when. I feel like such a floater.

b) Im wondering how long it is going to take for my new home to feel like home. Ive been missing my "home" for a while and im beginning to feel like a nomad. i really want to punch a hole in the wall...like that baseball pitcher did a few years ago...he broke his hand and was out for the rest of the season...maybe i would get to be a student with disablities. i realize that i have random thoughts of violence. you just witness one. arent you lucky. anyways, i miss penny. hahahaha

c) i saw tony romo in a limo on university today

d) im sitting at the table in my house. someones flowers are dying in a vase. flowers are so pointless.

e) i need to go shower

f) something is still wrong with me, i thought that getting back to the normal school routine might help but it hasnt. i hate to continue complaining about my life. i need to be optimistic. so im going to be optimistic except on this blog. so if you talk to me you will know that i am fake happy. jk jk. but really, no one likes complainers. so from now on i am going to stop. done.

g) i just reread this blog and i realized how retarded it is...but im not going to delete it because i cant think of anything else to say and its been a while since ive last written and you guys need to know what is going on...obviously NOTHING is going on. toodles.

Being Responsible

So most of you dont know, but i am terribly irresponsible. I always put off doing things like paying for college, going to the bank, cancelling my subscriptions to anything, keeping track of my money, and things like that until way too late. So today I have spent literally all day doing these things. I dont understand why I love to procrastinate so much. Maybe its because i get this huge feeling of accomplishment when i finish. Today I: paid for college, updated all my spending crap, cancelled my free credit report subscription, cancelled my houston cable, cancelled my renters insurance, watched a movie, got my contacts checked, watched the olympics, and its not even 3!!!!!!! See, i feel good because i procrastinated.

My goal is to be more organized. The thing that broke the camel's back in my organization (lack of) realization is that I cant find my sports pass. Of course. I cant really think of anything other than something like this that would make me become more responsible.

I've also been dreaming a lot lately. I think this means i am becoming more aware of my responsibilities.

Last night i made michael phelps. thats right...MADE him. He had arms and legs.

I think people overestimate my responsibleness. Maybe it is because i have such straight hair. I think ill get a perm.

I think i am going to steal my dad's recliner. If anyone has a good idea of how to get it back to college station, let me know.

I am going to drink some water now...so i better go.

Homeless

So the other day I was walking in downtown Houston with some friends. There were homeless people. My friends started dancing with the homeless. Thats when i decided to be homeless. So I am.


Right now Im staring at Liz and she is mad at me for not mentioning that I went to the John Mayer concert with her. So....I WENT TO THE JOHN MAYER CONCERT WITH ELIZABETH JOANNE ROBINSON GILBERT. Just so the world now knows. I love elizabeth...I mean, who else would give up their entire bedroom for me and be willing to have zero walking space. Get excited for next semester!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Im going to New York. Peace out homies.

Did YOU Steal it??

Busy yet very chill weekend :)

Went to the John Mayer concert in Dallas on Friday and it was awesome. He is such a good entertainer...I had no idea. And he is awesome at guitar. We sat on the 10th row by some 55-year old, drunk, stoned lesbians. It was great. They ended the night with accusing me of stealing one of their purses. I did.

IM DONE WITH MY INTERNSHIP!!! This is the best Sunday ever because i dont have to go to work tomorrow. I really need to be packing but ive become addicted to Heros and i cant stop watching. I get addicted to TV shows too easily. Yay...under the sea just came on my iTunes. I am sooooo happy. I really dont remember the last time i was this happy. :) Let me try to list the reasons why:

1. I am done with my job.
2. I am going to NY.
3. I just got to see Liz and be friends with her again :)
4. I think im beginning to understand God's purpose in this summer :)
5. Cowboys play in 6 days.
6. I get cable again soon.
7. Ive laid out at the pool 3 days in a row.
8. I ate panera bread for lunch.
9. I feel alive and I havent felt alive in months. WHOOP. Living is great :)

Hmmm...yep that pretty much sums it up. peace out homes.

I Have No Spoon

I cant eat oatmeal. Cereal. Ice cream. Soup. Thats about all of my habitual foods that I cant eat because of my current lack of utensils.

Since no furniture is in my apt. I have converted the living room into a "folded clothes holding room." I figure its important for my clothes to prepare themselves to make the journey to my closet, so I am giving them significant time to do so.

Today I stole boxes. I know this is a pretty significant story in and of itself, but I have another parallel story. As you all know, I have short arms, so I couldnt carry all the stolen boxes by myself. So I made another intern help me. Well, to get to the parking garage, you have to go through a revolving door, and for the revolving door to start, you have to swipe your badge and it only rotates far enough to let you out, it doesnt just go forever. Well, I went through first and I was talking to him trying to explain why it wasnt possible for me to carry all the boxes (short arms) and i somehow swiped my badge twice. Well I got through fine, but he got stuck. It....was....AWESOME. I just laughed at him until the door pushed him backwards. By far the best part of my day.

Keelie- that girl wore a khaki shirt and khaki pants....unfreakinbelievable. I would have called you but you are out of the country.

Another funny story, I was working out unusually late (relevent because there are different people there an hour later) because i have a presentation tomorrow. I was running on the treadmill which is behind another row of treadmills and there was this foreign lady, probably 4'6'' (i say this bc i spent significant time debating whether it was a kid) and she was running fast. But she was holding onto the handle bar. She was so loud. And it looked Hilarious. Her head was right by the TV with sportscenter, so i kept getting distracted by her crazy running. So i stopped. Also, later i was lifting weights, and there was this Huge (muscular) lady who could get in a fight with Terrel Owens and not die. Foreign lady asked her some question about using some weight and TO lady snapped at her cause she couldnt understand and everyone turned and watched. The foreign lady eventually just did whatever she wanted. I couldnt stop laughing. So i left.

I Have No Plate.

Empty Apartment

I am so proud of myself for posting something two days in a row. This proves how bored I am.

I am now sitting on the floor in my empty apartment in this hell-hole of a town. Staring at two computers...one for work...one for fun. The work one is obviously getting a lot of rest.

I was talking to Megan earlier about we are at a time in our lives when nothing lasts long...whether good or bad. Semesters are only 15 weeks then we get a completely different change of classes. Summers are consumed with school or internships or travel. All of which last about as long as brett favre can be retired. We will never have a time like this again in our lives. Pretty soon we will be working jobs that seem endless. We will be married to someone for hopefully the rest of our lives. We will have kids that NEVER leave us alone. Things become permanent pretty soon, and Ive never thought about life in that sense. I feel like I am waiting for things to be permanent, wishing even, but I have failed to fully appreciated the freedom that I have, the being able to change at ease. This next semester is hopefully going to be awesome. I really want to travel on the weekends...far away. I HAVE NO HOME...NO WHERE I WANT TO BE.

I know that the Kern River Pipeline exists. Weird.

This empty apt is depressing. I have no cable. I think creepers are looking in my window.

Im listening to a playlist consisting of Mayer, Colbie, and Brett in preparation for the concert next weekend. Know less of Johns songs than i thought. Maybe im not even going. Havent talked to the person im going with...think she forgot i exist...probably sold my ticket to a bum on the street.

I dont even have a chair to sit in. Ow. And i have no bed.

What a fast summer.

I need to get better at not rambling. That is my goal for next time. But seeing as Keelie is the only one who knows this exists...I dont think she will care.

SHOUT OUT TO KEELIE WASHER. COOLEST KID ON THE BLOCK UNLESS TONY ROMO LIVES ON HER BLOCK.

So the day started as a Thursday...

...and the day ended as a Thursday...CRAZY.

Random rumblings to begin my life as a blogger:
Only 5 more days of this terrible summer. Im trying to look at the positives because i know there must be some.

Everyday I wake up usually two minutes before my alarm and groan. Then i wait for my alarm.

I am now terrified of growing up...literally terrified. I cant do this. I cant live this monotonously. All I want is a golden retriever and a house for him to play in. But I am surrounded by people who are consumed with themselves and money. Its mind numbing. At least I get to see living examples of what I do not want to become.

There HAS to be more out there than this terrible corporate jungle. I know there is but the trouble is finding it. I know my job wont be the most exciting thing ever, but I dont want to hate it. Am i too picky? Do most people hate what they do for 9 hrs of the day only to go home and spend 1.5 hours complaining about it? I want to be part of something that matters. And I know all new grads say that...but i do...ive seen the money...I want no part in what it makes a person become.

God is so good. I feel so distant from Him, from myself, from my friends. Something is happening and I dont know exactly what, or who I am becoming, but I am excited in a blind sort of way. I know He has a plan, and I am thankful that I dont have one...that way I know the plan is His.

On a sports related note, because im sure you wondered when I would mention something sports related (yes, i waited this long...i dont have cable...i cant watch 24/7) ...I cannot wait for football season to start. The cowboys need to win, or i am going to quit sports (thats for dad) or maybe just quit the cowboys. There is something about sports that i just love and I dont understand how a person could not. You get to be part of something bigger than yourself...something that you dont have any control over. You get to be excited or sad or scared with other people. Ahhhh only one more month.

I wish I could skip work tomorrow and go to a cubs game and go eat at a fun restaurant and drive a fast car...Ferris Bueller...youre my hero.